You Don't Understand!

Everyone has their own trials and tribulations. For most there is the daily sturggle with how one looks and feels. But then there are those days where anything can happen...and it hapoens to someone else. When something bad happens to you there is always that someone who is like...it's alright, it will be ok. You just want someone to say that sucks or someone to say nothing at all. When you do stupid things you just hate yourself. When somone else does stupid things you can forgive them is two seconds flat. Like today he tried to make me feel better by saying sweet things and how everything will be alright, but I just wanted to hide away and not have someone there to realize what a complete idiot I was. How stupid do you have to be to throw away the biggest paycheck you have ever recieved. And how stupid do you have to be to blow up your engine. AND how stupid do you have to be to hate your boyfriend so much you want to punch him in the face and run...run forever and never look back. I guess the reason why I want a new car is because then I can start over fresh and new. I dont know why I feel like that is the way but I do feel that way. Actually right now I have a headach, just got done having a nose bleed, which was after the long 5 hours of car B.S. Which the whole losing the paycheck thing happend between, and to top it all off.....my dog left me a wonderful mess to clean up on the floor. All of these wonderful things were done on half a nights sleep, AND were done after I just completed my 7 hour shift at the wonderful stay fresh Subway. All I want to do is smash things....or sleep. I will take either.

Feeling Like Old

I'm starting to feel like I used to when I dropped out of school. I feel like there is nothing good happening. I feel worthless and bad. There is this big hole in my body that I just cant seem to fill. I dont have the urge to do anything but lay in bed and I just dont feel happy. I just want to be alone. I can feel my money dripping away. I just wish I could start a new. Iniziare Sopra! That would be a wonderful thing. Just move away. Start where nobody knows me. Get a lucky break and be happy again. There are many different factors that could be causing this. Dave living with me, my living situation (apartment wise), its almost my one year, we just got a new dog, my job. I just want it to be good again. I dont want to be unhappy. I want to be something that someone would be proud of. I'm not going to school, and I thus far have nothing to show for myself. I feel horrible. I dont feel accompished. I wish I was better. Worthy. I cant even keep my house clean. It doesnt help that I am reading a book about a messed up girl. You know what I feel like I dont deserve what I have, and I know I want more. I just wish that I could start moving forward.

Empty

I feel so empty and alone. I feel as though I push people away when all I want is for them to come as close as possible. I am sad. I am stuck in a small apartment is two guys and a cat. And all I feel like doing right now is crying. I just want him to hold me. Tell me he loves me and that its alright. I wish I was as beautiful as he thinks I am. Oh I hate this feeling.

Cuddle Buddy

My cuddle buddy tonight is my phone. Accompanied by my tear stained face and emerging headache. I miss him. All I want is just one more call before bed. Just one more minute, just long enough to hear him say I love you. When a dead phone is your life line what is a girl to do? I just want the pain to subside. My throat hurts because my heart is in it. Shards of glass slice me up so nothing but sobs comes out. The bed is so cold it's hot, and way to empty without you. Tonight my phone is my company...hoping you will call just one more time.

I feel like Im boring. I am boring. I lead a boring, uneventful life. I might as well be married, with kids, and ready to die. Wow!...I'm just this nothing of a person floating around on earth taking up space and oxygen. I'm boring!

Not Sure

People always say that animals resemble their owners. Sometimes they even start to look like one another. This comes to mind every time Ebony (my cat) is neurotic and spazzy tearing around the house not caring of the consequences. Am I neurotic? Maybe. There are things I am and there are definitely things that I am not. I feel as if I have been living in denial to certain parts of my life for the past two years. Like I reached a point that I couldn't move past because that means that I would miss something and would have to admit all the wrong that I have done. I am stuck as an eighteen year old girl who is scorn by life. To bad I am now twenty and should have already forgiven the world, fate, god...myself. My cat is only a lover when she wants to be. She will not except being pet if she don't want it. To bad the reason why I got her was because I needed someone to snuggle with at night, and someone to take care of. For me, well...I need love all the time. I need attention, I need words, and mostly I need security. Last night as I cried the hardest I have cried in a while, and probably was the most upset that I have ever been with Adam. I was upset at him for being right. For telling me everything that I knew, and I was upset that he was sounding like everything was my fault. It most likely was my fault but I didn't want to hear that. Everyday when I am alone I need to fight to keep myself from crying. I miss her. I miss the other one too. I miss them all sometimes, but those two...I miss them the most. Growing up means that you get to look at yourself and go..."you're stupid...grow up!". I am not grown up. I may act professional and whatever people want but I do not, and most of the time will not grow up. I am stuck. I am held by my feeling to a time in the past that I know I should just let go of, but cannot. I am going to write a letter. This will be the end of part 1.

Walking

It is kind of funny how you feel when you finally get over the HUGE bulder in your way. I hadnt complete one class for a year and a half...until today. The day before my 20th birthday. I feel myself slipping further from my parents and more into my own. Maybe this is something that needs to happen. There are still things that are around that I cling to, you cannot get rid of everything. I think I really hurt my moms feelings, but she hurt me. Mer...just a bad time to socialize with people. Well anyway, Im proud of myself. I hope that this is putting one foot foward with the other following.