Internal Bleeding

It was always about keeping secrets with my family, and the biggest of them all was the big "P". And now I find myself once again surrounded by it. Relationships have been ruiend by this stupid thing, and feelings have been shredded. How could I not hate it. I feel so left out; I always have. Nobody understands...does it matter? I stopped...not because you asked but because I knew you would like it better if I didnt. It hurts so much...It's like watching you kiss another girl right in front of me. I know that I should be fine with it and just not care. I'm not being forced into it, but sometimes I almost rather it be that then...just being forgotten, or better yet doing it while being played with like a child. I feel so left out. I feel so alone. I wish someone understood. It hurts so bad. I try. I try so hard. I love you so much. That's the funny thing. I like it from a distance, and I really dont mind that much. I really dont. Go ahead, do it, I just wish I could sometimes. Maybe that is my problem. I want to so bad...but I'm so scared. I have thought about it. I just wish you didnt care that I care so much. Lol...stupid. I feel so stupid. I feel pathedic, and young, and nieve. I feel like an outsider looking in. I'm not a drinker...I'm done with that. I just want you to want me. I feel like that was always way more important than me. My mom and my dad...that was them. If they werent doing that...oh god if they werent flying then they were mean. And if they were they were care free. What do you expect me to do...be happy. Im scared. I know you are SOOOOOO not like normal people who do it and you would stop if I asked, but that is not what I want. I dont want you to start giving up things just because im not happy...that really wouldnt make me happy. Just understand where I am coming from. Do you know how much it hurts? Really bad....