what to do

i think i am killing the people around me. slowly. i dont konw why i feel this way. but i feel it. i can never keep plants alive. i either give them too much attention or to little. i dont want him to leave. i dont know what i would do without him here. please dont leave me...

ignorance = ingnoring something

When you are ignoring something does that make you ignorant? My brain is really good and ignoring things...puting them out of site out of mind. I used to be really good at doing my homework, but not anymore. Before I would have school everyday, and desks, and a locker to work with but now I have two days and a bed, and a hot distracting man laying next to me. Ah, what do you do?

I sitting her listening to you play and you sound wonderful. I know you dont think so but you do. You make me laugh how you bit your toung when you concentrate really hard. Baby, I love you and I wish you knew how much you really mean to me.

What is wrong with me? I like things run down but nice. I like good bad boys. I like guys sensitive and talkitive but too much is way too much. I like him. Why do I feel like Im not good enough. I know I am. I know things have gotten better for both of us sice we started dating, but when I upset him...I feel inadiquite. When the other guys talks about other girls I feel small. I love that he doesnt look...I really love when he touches me in public to show people that I am his. I dont want to be anyone elses but his, but I feel like he is to good for me. Or worse of he will finally wake up and ralize how horrible I am and get all his things together and leave. I havent thought like this in a long time so why am I now? I have never felt this way about anyone. He is so special, and he does so much for me. I'm very lucky! Does he feel the same? The blinking cursor taunts me...why dont you write something it asks? There was this book series that I really like, and when he is gone for a long time or when we make each other feel bad I just keep thinking of how the author describes the characters heart. Like there is a hole through the middle and every little thing picks at the edges causing pain. As the heart pleads for it peice, for there is nothing that can fill the hole...just distract the heart from the pain. I feel like a dog has taken a bit out of mine and is playing with it on the ground while I watch. Emptiness surrounds me...please come save me prince charming. You are the only one that I want right now, and you are the only thing I cannot have. You have so much power over me...................please...save me!

Internal Bleeding

It was always about keeping secrets with my family, and the biggest of them all was the big "P". And now I find myself once again surrounded by it. Relationships have been ruiend by this stupid thing, and feelings have been shredded. How could I not hate it. I feel so left out; I always have. Nobody understands...does it matter? I stopped...not because you asked but because I knew you would like it better if I didnt. It hurts so much...It's like watching you kiss another girl right in front of me. I know that I should be fine with it and just not care. I'm not being forced into it, but sometimes I almost rather it be that then...just being forgotten, or better yet doing it while being played with like a child. I feel so left out. I feel so alone. I wish someone understood. It hurts so bad. I try. I try so hard. I love you so much. That's the funny thing. I like it from a distance, and I really dont mind that much. I really dont. Go ahead, do it, I just wish I could sometimes. Maybe that is my problem. I want to so bad...but I'm so scared. I have thought about it. I just wish you didnt care that I care so much. Lol...stupid. I feel so stupid. I feel pathedic, and young, and nieve. I feel like an outsider looking in. I'm not a drinker...I'm done with that. I just want you to want me. I feel like that was always way more important than me. My mom and my dad...that was them. If they werent doing that...oh god if they werent flying then they were mean. And if they were they were care free. What do you expect me to do...be happy. Im scared. I know you are SOOOOOO not like normal people who do it and you would stop if I asked, but that is not what I want. I dont want you to start giving up things just because im not happy...that really wouldnt make me happy. Just understand where I am coming from. Do you know how much it hurts? Really bad....

I really have to pee

I sit here as my cat lays in the fresh dirt pile I swept up from the bathroom floor. A drawer full of stuff just fell all over the floor and there is an even bigger mess outside of the small room I sit. The smell of the liter box creeks in and makes you want to gag, and there is hardly any room to move around. I have to pee but I have no ambition to get up and use the toilet that if I wanted to I could reach out and touch. My mind is as blank as a freight train and my body is so not a temple right now. In the freshly drooped drawer was the sissiors I was looking for. I searched for them for about fifteen minutes until I gave up and used the ones I use to cut hair. The dirty floor, the stench, and the mess. Oh gosh...shedding the outter skin is tough, and I think I am been pulling it around as though I could just craw back into it and it would be alright for years and am just now realizing it could never be. Dirty floor. God I have to pee.

Yesterday I had my first art show...it was horrible but people said that they liked it. I honestly feel that I have natural talent, but I also think that pictures arent that hard to take. I kind of withsed that someone would see my pictures, love them so much, and then offer me this great traveling picture taking job. My pizza almost got burn to hell just a moment ago, but I saved it. I am being super quiet so mr. great can record some music...he sounds really good. I am also in the process of cleaning the bathroom. All that is left is throw away the garbage, wash the mirror, and clean the floors. I still would like to get the dishes, kitchen floor, and the laundry done. mmmmmmmmmm...sleep; here I come.

Sleep Deprived Continued...

O.K. time for something real...this is a blog for all the people who had to deal with me today. Mainly my three closest friends. I feel...something that I'm not sure of and it's nobody fault and nothing is to blam. To you, I'm sorry. I have taken my weirdness out on you guys and that's not fair. I didn't mean anything by my outburst and thank you for still loving me even after I dont deserve it. I will be better...I will work on getting better...for you guys and for myself. I love you!

Sleep Deprived

turn the lights on or off it's your pleasure...but make a decision.